A truer smile

A truer smile

I’m showing you my teeth my dear

as a bright smile lights my face

and I feel your presence in my heart

in my laughter

Do you remember my first teeth

when you were not yet incarnated in this world

and you watched over me from above

and my first smile

as I smiled to life

without knowing I was in fact smiling to you

longing for you already in the milk I craved for

But later I stopped drinking milk

that was perhaps when you were born, I now wonder

and milk drinking became a battle of every morning

as I had troubles ingesting it, and really didn’t want to

Somehow in my stubbornness not to drink milk

there already was my fear of loving you entirely

my fear of growing entirely vulnerable

my refusal to be hurt

There also were other foods I closed myself to with violence

tomatoes on top of everything else

as I had too much anger in me

and had the impression I could not ingest such an angry colour

And it makes it even more interesting

I have started to crave tomatoes so much in the last weeks

as for the first time I am getting truly rid

of this anger that burnt inside of me, inside of you

In every stubbornness and refusal I have

you are somehow present, and it is related to my fear of loving you entirely

my fear of abandoning myself to life

as I hold back and push the thing away with anger or disgust

But now I have learnt I should push away anger and disgust away

as I do too with pain and sadness and melancholy

and give more and more space in my heart

for my love of you, and its creative expression in words and colours

The more space I free in me, the lither become my movements

and the closer we grow, ever closer in this dance