Learning to stop counting time

I must now learn

to stop counting time

and this is the most difficult thing

you are asking from me

How to stop counting time?

I notice that when I was expecting you

when I knew you would come

right then, time stopped mattering

and I truly took my time doing things

and I had no anguish left

and so one thought that comes to my mind

is that I must always be expecting you

always behaving as though the next moment

you would knock on my door

or as if you are already with me

But how?

My rational mind goes in confusion

this may take much more time than I imagined

because the very nature of my rational mind

is to count time, to worry about future

But you’re telling me not to worry

not to calculate, not to plan, not to forecast

and trust entirely, whatever happens

To do that, I must have a blind faith in you

and trust that however it goes

the outcomes will be positive

that even things that seem discouraging or bad in appearance

will bring me a lot of value and depth

And so you’re asking me to trust life without expectancies

without hoping for something particular

just knowing it will be great one day

just knowing you love me and you will be with me

just knowing you love me and you are with me

How to translate that rational knowledge in my spirit, in my heart?

To my mind now the path seems again endless

my dream seems out of sight

evidences are like a huge rock blocking me from hoping

and yet, I must not lose this new balance I have found

I must continue living my life cherishing your name and your face

whatever happens, because this is the path to unconditional love

this is the path to become love

a much harshest path I thought

but I must not forget you guided and are still guiding me

and that the words you told and wrote me are timeless, still alive

After death comes birth, after death comes life

And you are now dead, and I must find you in the emptiness you left

And each of the colours I express in my poems and my paintings

are little pieces of the puzzle to retrieve your wholeness and mine

and fill again your heart with the colours it has lost

And you also told me to stop doubting our love, no matter what

Perhaps it all isn’t a matter of time, but understanding

And the depth of understanding in words may bring the renewal

we so much hope and pray for