Repeating patterns

Repeating patterns

Day after day after day we repeat the same patterns

over and over and over, till boredom, expecting things to change

On the path to self-discovery, it is easy to err at times

and it is even easier to start slipping, until all memory of self and truth is gone

until the aim of this journey is altogether forgotten

You will tell me that living in our fears is normal, and important to heal

and I would agree, but to heal it’s also important to get rid of fears

it’s important to find the muscle of consciousness in your mind and start exerting it

until all what you do is in agreement with your deepest core

until you start building your happiness day after day, fully aware of all your acts

until you step into the life of your dream

It’s fine to take your time and mine, it’s fine to err

and it’s also fine to shake ourselves from time to time, not to fall asleep

You will tell me I have learnt nothing, nothing at all of all these months

I’ve tried apathy, going with the current, drowning in it, and I’ve failed to be happy

I’ve tried storminess, fueling myself with anger and determination

but as soon as anger was washed away by tiredness, I failed again and drowned

and with time I understood storminess wouldn’t bring me happiness

I slipped again into apathy, but a different, more wakeful sort, and there I discovered the voice of my consciousness

still a whisper at most of times, but present, strong, and truthful

for the first time I found something I could rely on, at a deeper level than emotions and thoughts

I knew that voice, but among the cacophony of voices I could not recognize it, understand it, grow into it

Both apathy and storminess have helped me to let go, and surrender to life, while being the writer of my own life

they’ve helped me to make decisions, to get rid of what hampered me, to reconcile myself with others

and they’re probably continuing to help me in these endless cycles I complain of

because even though I’m fed up and impatient, I know that week after week I’m stronger and more aware

Even when I shout at you, one part of me knows that you’re right, that you’re doing the right thing in response to the fears that still govern me

Today I understood there were not two, but four of us

It’s by going over what I had scribbled in my notebook months ago about your story that I realized that

the true you, and the current you, the true me, and the current me

four characters, four voices, that are interrelated, interchangeable

in the same poem, true me and current me share the space, conversing with one another, contradicting one another

in the same moment, true you and current you converse with one another, reacting differently to my words

current you is annoyed, afraid, angry, indifferent, while true you feels a wave of love and dreams to embrace this love, embrace true me

true you is also annoyed with current me, with my neediness and my lack of knowledge of self

as true me is annoyed with current you

When will the four characters become two, when will knowledge of self will be so wide and deep it’ll be called wisdom

when will current will become true and time stop