Desire

There is one part in you that wishes that I write you

this same part in me that wants me to write you, to resume our correspondence

but that’s not how it will happen this time

in the past I used to trample over your lands to force you to confront your fears, confronting mine by doing so

but now it is not anymore a fear to write you, and instead I should respect your wish not to receive my words

I will do so, and I will let my heart cry without breathing, without complaining

no word of mine will reach your ear until this part in you will grow and grow

and will start crying the same tears my heart is shedding

meanwhile I will make myself very small and cry in the corner so that no one sees me

I will cry there and let my wound bleed without trying to close it or to call for help

I will accept pain and death as they come, open-armed

I have lived many lives and don’t wish to live anymore

I shall keep all these words to myself, so that no one witnesses my departure

but no, that doesn’t make sense

if I stifle the words within me I won’t be happier and it won’t help you either

the indifference I perceive in this distance between us hurts, it hurts and pushes me to write foolish words

I feel left alone every time, or I choose to do so to avoid being hurt again

 

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