I want to disappear

Sometimes I’d like to disappear

to hide in my sobs

to vanish underground

where no one will find me

where you will not find me

and hurt me again

 

For once I want to hurt you

hurt you with my loss

and I don’t want to wait anything

to ask for anything

I want to be brave with my pain

and drown myself into it

into this sea of tears

disappear

 

 

And even if you come back gently

which you would never do

I will still run away

and hide under the carpet

and deprive you of my presence, of my love

because you have broken me

I have become my pain, my tears

all my body hurts

I fear you through all my pores

I fear your harshness, your lack of love

I fear it and can’t cope with it anymore

I will hide

disappear

and you will never hear of me again

 

 

But no, life is cruel

even when I decide to accept the doom of my love, of myself

the fire continues to burn within

and I’m compelled to love you again

to love you with all my heart and my mind and my soul

until the next moment of weakness arrives

and I start hoping, wanting that you too share your love with me

warming my cold heart, massaging my tense temples

but you won’t do that, you won’t especially when I need it the most

and you push me away with harshness

I try to resist, to stand up, to mirror your fears

but you won’t listen, you’re too afraid, and instead you continue on hurting me

on pushing this knife that is already in my chest

until I surrender, until I only hope to vanish in a puff of smoke

ending my sufferings

 

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