Trusting you

And now the next step is trusting you enough

to accept that you block me again

 

When you do it hurts, it hurts even more than silence

because while you keep silent I have the consolation that my words will sink in

but when you raise your walls so high, I can’t reach to you anymore

not physically, consciously, except by the weight and energy my words carry

the ones you do not read

 

When you block me, it’s as if to tell me, go away, I don’t even want to hear of you

you don’t exist anymore for me

is it what you feel while doing it

or do you just feel a resolve to be strong, to do what’s necessary to heal

I ignore and it has little importance, they’re both sides of the same coin

 

Each time it happens I take it as a slap on my face

and as I’m angered at first, I’m irremediably chilled for days afterwards

because I can’t reach out with my anger, I’m like a screaming child that no one hears

crying over the unfairness of my fate

until I quiet down a few days later

 

But in the process I lose a part of my focus, of my determination

and it takes weeks before to regain them and write you again

starting over the process

but now whatever happens, I will continue writing you

or writing to the wall in the same way

as though you were reading me nonetheless

I’ve already written that sentence several months ago

but now perhaps I understand even more than before its importance

 

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