Granted Shadows

Let’s now imagine that all my shadows are granted

for that I need to entirely accept them, not to be ashamed of those weird needs I have

 

Let’s imagine I’m granted millions of followers all over social media

who like and comment my poems, so many that I am showered under a wave of approval and admiration

 

Let’s imagine that I find a skinny girl who has the complementary fetish I have

putting a bit of weight turns her on, and I can watch her gorge herself on food every day

until she gains a few pounds and develops a small belly

 

Then what

It goes on and on

I spend entire days being turned on by the girl and satisfying my wildest fantasies

Each time I open social media I’m showered by a wave of praises, so much that I don’t have the time to read it all

 

And what

Everything is still missing as soon as I am idle

As soon as I remember who I truly am, I realize my life is empty and meaningless

 

But the point of this poem is not to prove that shadows are loveless

but rather to stop resisting my shadows

to accept them, embrace them, while knowing they are the contrary of truth and love

because the force and intelligence that created them for me and put them on my path is loving

so, if one day I let entirely go to my shadows, fearlessly, I will discover the secret hiding behind them

and they will vanish afterward, like an illusion created just to push me in a certain direction

to help me get to know myself

 

Am I ready to fully embrace my shadows

no, I still don’t know how to do that

how to balance my refusal and acceptance of them

 

What about your shadows now, my twin of truth and love

what about having one new blue or green eyed boy every night

a stranger to spend a moment of intimacy with, taking your pleasure to your heart’s content

 

What about suppressing the mere memory of my existence in this world

so that you can continue leading the life you have always lived

without having to confront the fear of upheaval and turmoil

without having to confront the part of yourself you’ve always repressed

 

What about suppressing all your memories of your past and all your unwanted emotions

and focusing just on the present and the future, as though you had no roots

nothing to remember, allowing you to be the person that society will accept and admire

 

How wrong these shadows sound

but what if we accepted them for a day

our pain will finally be drowned under the waves of pleasure

and for a day we will almost forget our need to love and be loved in return

 

 

Perhaps my need to correspond with you is a shadow too

my need that you write me back, that you express your love for me

because it stems from a lack of faith in love

a lack of faith in you

If you’re not ready yet

what good is there to correspond

and undergo again and again all the wheel of emotional upheaval

But at the same time, when you write me and I see all the beauty in your words

it cracks the barriers around my heart

it makes me become a better person

it lends me energy

But perhaps now I’m supposed to find all that with my own force, without your help

marrying my faith and my gift together

and creating a bettered self of love and truth to rely upon

 

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