Discouragement

A heaviness has fallen upon my limbs

tying my hands and my mind

 

This heaviness is impregnated with sadness

I’m missing you, missing your voice, weary of this gap between us

usually it would have me angry

but today, there’s only place for sadness under all this grayness

 

I’m feeling emotions you should feel too

can you sense this sadness I’m talking about, or have you closed yourself entirely to such emotions

and while writing you, my eyes start shedding some tears

I’m not crying, tears are just falling

stemming from this well of sadness we both carry within

 

It is strangely comforting to form words, write sentences

and push away the blankness that comes with this dulled sadness

at least now I can think a bit more clearly, and my heart reawakens to a variety of emotions

and I feel a warmth in my body like in the previous days

and the sensation that I have been crying, even when I didn’t as my nose, my throat and my chest are filled with warm salty tears

and I’m left with that question that has been troubling me all along

but to which I fear I already know the answer

have you been reading me

are you reading me

or are you still entrenched in your silent retreat

not hesitating to leave a dagger in my heart and needled in all the places of pain while you are away

yes, you’re helping me to unearth our wound, to unearth trapped anger and sadness

but there are times when that quest hardly seems fair

when such a discouragement rolls over me

and yet, if my faith had been stronger, your distance wouldn’t have affected me

but the aim of it all is that it affects me, and that after the crust of anger, I finally let all the sadness within find a way out, embracing its biting pain

until I find the beauty underneath

 

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