Bellow

My voice is a bellow

I’ve decided to give in to my shadows

Controlling you, telling you what to do and not to do

Defining how your love for me should be

 

But I’m not happier after writing these words

I’ve understood today intensity and fierceness were in a certain way a shadow

the mirror of your pushing me away and blocking me

 

When I resolved to invade your space

you decided to push me away irrevocably

what happened is as simple as that

and it perpetuated because we were each entrenched in our mindset

 

We’ve been programmed to react in this way

That’s the trigger life has placed within us to force us to grow alone

to find the strength

and I don’t regret it

and yet, I don’t approve of it

as it becomes part of the past, I accept and value those moments

but in the present I’m always convinced of the gap I feel

of my wish to grow together with you, or at least not as separated as we’ve been in the last months

 

That’s who I am right now

imperfect, still looking for my balance

with wounds to heal, gaps to fill

 

See, I’m still putting a hard mask in front of you

I’m still wondering what the people will say

what you will think

in truth there are days I cope very well

and other days I’m despaired at the pain caused by your silence

stirred by your silence would be more exact, as it is not your fault

but still, stubbornly I throw half the fault on you

and wonder why we can’t continue to progress on this path

with the reinforcement of one another words

why do we have to so unlove ourselves

to deprive ourselves of such beauty and depth and intensity

 

I’m only half-convinced of my words

that’s what happens when I dig into my shadows

I think this or that will make me happy

but as I immerse myself in the thing that should make me happy

I realize it does not

I don’t seem to be able to ask you to unblock me and to write me

even though I’d like very much to do it

Stop. Blocking. Me.

Please my twin of love and truth and shadows

unblock me and write me back

 

What I truly want is to heal and be happy together with you

not a spotty correspondence with emotional upheavals every two weeks

that is my dream, in addition of retrieving the writing flow

so perhaps your silence is serving better this dream of me, of you

and I should thank you instead of shouting at you

so thank you my twin

thank you for blocking me and ignoring me and rejecting me, over and over and over

thank you for keeping silent for months

thank you for leaving me grow on my own strength and teaching me to heal and to love myself

instead of pardoning you, I should thank you over and over

and you should thank me too

thank me for pushing you in your last entrenchments

thank me for speeding up the process with my intensity and making all your fears resurface

thank me for showering you with love

but also for bellowing at you, shouting and crying with you, and reawakening all the emotions you had lost

 

About Erik Vincenti Zakhia

Dear all, I will share with you many of my poems, short stories, drawings and paintings telling of my journey of self-discovery and my reflections about life, love, art, spirituality, sexuality, kundalini rise, and twin flames. You will also come across many paintings by Chantal Peguiron that are intimately related to my artwork. They all fall within the realm of Hazen. If you like it, don’t hesitate to subscribe and follow me on social media! May you have an inspiring visit!

2 comments

  1. aller aller va de l’avant maintenant! Tu ressasse trop de veille chose! détache toi! libère toi tu es déjà libre tu sais voler avec une aile, tu as déjà appris!
    Lance toi, crée de nouveau monde de nouvelle pensée c’est fini les veilles histoires

    Liked by 2 people

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