Mourning

I’m still not self-loving enough

to steer clear from the long shadows

that the walls of my heart cast along my path

and instead walk along the brisk side of brightness

where sunrays intermingle playfully in flowering grass

And I still don’t walk at the right pace

Journeying where the landscape is harsh and rugged

and stopping where twinkling lakes

and magical woods await me along the road

 

I’m still not self-loving enough

to avoid doing what lowers my energy and my self-worth

to avoid giving in to my cravings, to my false ambitions

and I condemn you, faithful mirror, to do the same

 

What is the way out

please tell me how to disentangle myself from these patterns

Each time I believe I have healed and I have not

I feel the cold grip of death quenching the fire of my hope

and chilling my heart

 

But how can you help me

when you are willingly drowning into them each time

just for the pleasure to feel these vivid sensations once more

No, you can’t help me

I have to help myself

I need to learn loving myself entirely

to stop giving myself false excuses to justify my acts

and I need to be patient

for I am healing

it’s just too slow for me

too slow

but that too needs to be understood and healed

I confront my current reality to my truth

and despair at how much is still missing

and how much time will be needed

 

 

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