Denial

There still is something I refuse to see in myself

an awkwardness I deny to my paintings

When it shows up I try to fight it with colors

with my fierceness, and won’t hesitate to add layer after layer of paint

to masquerade it, to transform it, to destroy it

 

Should I accept the awkwardness as a sign of who I am right now

still imperfect, still incomplete

or should I focus my fierceness as a beam of light

and strive toward the best

 

Perhaps I’m not asking the right question

should I instead accept the awkwardness and be at peace with them

before they disappear

 

Perhaps you’re still masquerading your weaknesses in life

putting up a brave mask when instead you’d like to break up

and let the waters flow out

 

I should be at peace with whatever I do, whatever my hand does

there’s no reason to feel ashamed or unsatisfied or frustrated

these are feelings holding me in place, entrapping me in this city of ruins

you’ve conjured around me

 

Oh my twin of truth and love, it’s been month I have the impression I’m journeying alone

but I know it’s not true and that you’re carrying half the burden

Pardon my lack of faith in you, my lack of faith in life, my lack of faith in myself

I’ve wronged you as much as you’ve wronged me

but on the balance of love these wrongs weigh as lightly as feathers

past dust blown away in the wind

will you brush my fingertips with yours

and bow your head with me

to our destiny

will you smile to me again

as you did once

holding me dearly

will you let the rivers of red pass

and watch as water becomes transparent again

and all hues of light add up to white