Truth

A wisewoman once told me

it was useless to block my shadows and my cravings

for blocking is different from healing

 

And now I understand she had spoken words of truth

back then when even she was dormant in her wisdom

 

Let’s imagine I am in a relationship

and while walking in the street I notice a woman I find attractive

Before, I’d have tried to look elsewhere, to block the thought from my mind

Now instead, I’d stare straight into her gaze

until I understand why I am attracted to her

what emptiness of my spirit I am still trying to fill

Is my girlfriend not the right person for me?

Or is it a deeper gap within me that tries to express itself?

I will stare into the gaze of this stranger woman

until attraction wanes replaced by understanding

deeper understandings about myself and about the persons who surround me, my girlfriend, this stranger

 

At a time, I tried to repress my need to get followers on social media by removing all my accounts

I installed a website blocker to avoid watching videos and reading stories about my fetish

and sometimes it worked for a while, but the emptiness within me was still ignored, misunderstood

and it would always resurface in different ways, taking various expressions

Now that I’ve accepted to delve into my shadows for a while

I understand that they all stem from the same place

This gap between my heart and my mind

This wound that hides deep within me and hurts and hurts every single day

This wound that I tried burying

instead of reaching it removing layer upon layer of dirt that had accumulated on its crust

But I wasn’t even conscious of this wound

I just felt a tiredness, an emptiness, a dullness so strong and vapid I needed to fill it with something else

in fact it was the echo, the clouds of mist, produced by this pain I simply couldn’t accept, integrate, listen to

When you dam parts of your emotions, when you repress the pain within you, dullness occurs

and that’s what pushes us into shadows, into doing these things we don’t like, which may be harmful or hurtful for us and for others, such as smoking and overeating and consuming drugs and compulsively shopping

 

But things come on due time for each person

and where I was ready to embrace my shadows getting rid of feelings of self-disgust and worthlessness and shame

others may not be ready

and the current of shadows can carry you quite far

I’m not advocating to become a servant of shadows

No, I’m just pleading to get rid of negative feelings around them and instead focus on why you are having these cravings, and what you are trying to forget, which pain is rippling your spirit from the inside, slowly eating at you

 

Once you’ve gone through your shadows

healing them will occur one step at a time

You’ll need the strength to block these thoughts that are taking so much of your focus and your determination

to question every small action you perform

to become fully conscious of each little pattern of your life

Nothing shall be done mechanically anymore

and little by little you will find a balance

a balance that needs to be readjusted at every step you take

you will go forward dancing, changing stance to adjust your pace and the ground you’re journeying on

Your body, your mind, your heart will start understanding that shadows are just an illusion

a chemical molecule traveling in your veins to provoke a craving, to give you pleasure and oblivion, just like a drug

Shadows are also a doubt, you’re doubting yourself, your true self, by embracing them

you’re wondering who you are, the faithful loving person, or the cheater, when it should be clear

it should be clear, but it’s part of this journey of life to walk in thick fogs and get lost

mistakes are inevitable, what matters is understanding the how and the why

what matters is making of each life experience a lesson, a leap forward in progression

but that, you already know

 

This kind of poems are scaffoldings trying to imitate the shape of a cathedral

they make you climb on stairs and travel on straight lines

to get you used to how it will be when your cathedral is completed

to help you add a few more stones to build the vault, but that’s an illusion

for the cathedral is already there, waiting for you to see it, and shed light on it with your eyes

At the end the true leap of faith will occur when you will accept to walk in the air

when you will trust your cathedral enough to walk on its balconies you do not see

accepting the risk of falling but knowing it is a meaningless fear

and once you walk into the air you will feel the hard stones of love under your feet

and you will understand that love is ever present around you, waiting for you to embrace your truth, to embrace you in turn

love will heal your wound, love will fill this gap, love will wipe away your shadows

and my words are a fair attempt at shedding light on more pieces of this cathedral

until I trust it enough to take my leap of faith

and walk with the emptiness under my feet

trusting I won’t fall

 

About Erik Vincenti Zakhia

Dear all, I will share with you many of my poems, short stories, drawings and paintings telling of my journey of self-discovery and my reflections about life, love, art, spirituality, sexuality, kundalini rise, and twin flames. You will also come across many paintings by Chantal Peguiron that are intimately related to my artwork. They all fall within the realm of Hazen. If you like it, don’t hesitate to subscribe and follow me on social media! May you have an inspiring visit!

3 comments

  1. I am also writing a poem about a cathedral now, a shared idea/ inspiration 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. operalover1974

    Well, all I can say is…I so needed to hear these words. Thank you. I’m…just…uh…😢❤

    Liked by 1 person

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