Logistic anguishes

I believe I took an airplane

for the first time in this life span

There are people who go over their first flight confidently

but I used to be terrified of flying, and didn’t want to

and couldn’t even understand the concept

of such a heavy steel engine taking off in the air

One day it was decided I would travel

and my grandfather accompanied me

literally holding my hand to appease me

It took many years and a lot of faith in life

before getting finally used to airplanes ways

and not wait all the flight for a crash to come



There are languages and techniques and crafts we’ve learnt

which knowledge remains underwater in our soul when we live anew

some people have great facility for certain activities from the first time

whereas others struggle and struggle before getting a hold on that same thing

It’s of course related to the unique gifts of our soul, but also of whether or not we have practiced that activity in the past



I perhaps didn’t live on Earth for most of the twentieth century

since I’ve never been entirely at ease with the modern way of life

Each time I went up in a car when I was a child, I used to be sick

I deeply long for landscapes that are not churned up with highways and buildings

for mountains only accessible by feet and donkeys

for the continuity of nature that is now missing from our life

as on all five continents you can’t freely walk in a countryside

without risking to meet a road, a bridge, a tunnel blocking your way

you can’t go up to the mountains as freely and thoughtlessly as in times of yore

because they are crisscrossed with roads that do not welcome pedestrians

and don’t even offer the shortest way you’d wish for when you’re relying on the power of your feet



Each time I wait for my luggage on the conveyor belt I panic

thinking that it had been lost

even though that unfortunate circumstance has never happened to me

Does it come from the anguish of lacking, lacking food, lacking clothes, being destitute

or is it an anguish related to the people that love and care for me

who have prepared me so many little packets of cheese and meet and jam and bread

which would be ruined if my luggage arrived four days later

without counting the hassle of taking again the train and going to the airport, a place that drains me of my energy because of the throng of hurrying people around and the huge spaces of concrete and glass that lack poetry

There’s an affective value with the content of my luggage

it’s as though I carried a little piece of the love of my parents, grandparents and relatives with me each time I travel

If my mother heard my luggage was ruined she’d be very sad

and that would make me very sad too



Of course, if it happened, I’d accept it happens for a reason

but the thing is that it’s not happening

it’s just the fear it happens that holds me prisoner

this fear not to reciprocate the love people around me give me

and the fear to lack of love



I’m writing in the train

and I’m slightly nauseous

the sun has pierced through the lid of haze

dazzling my eyes and darkening the screen of my laptop

I’m not very comfortable, but it’s worth to write, even though my words are perhaps not as poetic as they can sometimes be



Waiting is another thing that stresses me

Waiting airplanes, trains, luggage

I never know whether to wait actively or passively

whether it is safe to focus on something else or not

if I focus too much on what I’m doing, writing for instance

I risk to miss my flight or my stop

if I focus too much on the awaiting

it drains me of my energy, frustrates me, makes me impatient

a balance must be found here

trusting life more and more

if I miss my train, I’ll take the next one, and it won’t be without valid reasons

that’ll make me grow in my understanding



My hardships didn’t stop here today

as I arrived in Switzerland without a functioning cell phone

with the need to take the keys of my apartment I had confided to my best friend

but I had set an appointment one hour later

and impatient as I am

I was left guessing where she was and practicing my telepathy skills

which didn’t work as well as I hoped

nor as badly as it could go

The key to listen to your inner voice

is being very quiet inside, to reach a place

where impatience is muted




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