Reuniting with my twin flame – Mount Nederlands


For the first time I didn’t reply to my twin soul, but I cherished her mail and I was overjoyed that she had sent me her writings

some were in English, the other ones in Dutch

The next morning I started reading them eagerly during the coffee break at work

Suddenly all my world was filled with colors again

She had written the start of a fantasy story with a city in three levels that made me dream

She had written a tragic love ballad between two characters that loved each other of a profound love, despite her being an elf and him a dwarf, they had loved each other when everything destined them to hate one another, especially that war was raging between elves and dwarves

At the end the dwarf had been killed by her own father, and she had been so desperate she had given herself death over her lover corpse, and a tree had sprouted from her tears on their grave, continuing to bear their soul

And I as I write these words, right now, I start crying, crying for their tragic love, an emotion I couldn’t express at the time I last read her story which was written as a long poem in rhymes

She had a few other stories in Dutch which I had a little more pain understanding at first, but they all centered about me in a way, but still in a very distant way

in these snippets of existence, her characters knew they had to find something special for them, something so dear and so frightening; sometimes they needed to find it within themselves, other times in the external world, as a magic book she had looked for all her life for instance

The three weeks separating Chantal and me from our expedition elapsed

And soon it was Thursday night and we were boarding on our endless train journey that would carry us past Amsterdam in the next morning

When the train crossed Germany and first arrived in the Netherlands, I felt a strong emotion

In a way, landscapes reminded me of something I knew

Despite all the water I felt southern Netherlands looked a little bit like Lebanon, or like something else I knew, because there was a dryness in the vegetation even though we still were in February

I watched the landscapes and felt at home between these smooth forested hills

Even the train color, the yellow and submarine blue I liked, and felt comforting

We visited Amsterdam, and then moved on to my twin’s town

We had the Interrail tickets that allowed us to take any train we liked at any time, and felt quite free within our journey

And we arrived to my twin’s city, and it was strange, strange being there

We moved to our hotel crossing the little canals, and I loved the water flowing all around

the contrast between the red bricks and the blue greenness of water, and the reflections of bridges, and the quietness of the little streets, and the bikes all around

Saturday was market day and we took our time to visit the town, its churches, its bridges, its streets

we felt a bit stressed in the morning to do some shopping, to buy some presents for Chantal’s family, for ourselves, but as the day passed we quieted

we bought some cumin gouda and bread, in anticipation of the next day’s encounter, as we were going to surprise my twin at her fencing tournament

and for the first time, on her own initiative as I was terrorized, Chantal wrote my twin a small message, telling her “we” (who we?) were in *******

my twin replied she hoped we found it as pretty as Lausanne, without saying anything about me, about meeting us, behaving as though we were there purely for touristic reasons

Chantal didn’t reply, and instead the next morning we walked to where the tournament was taking place, outside the town center

And we arrived inside the fencing hall in the small spectator tribune

I was afraid, tremendously afraid, of seeing my twin soul, a visceral fear

and yet at the same time I wanted so badly to see her

without Chantal, I’d never have the courage to step into that room

We spotted her in the back of the room, she had already started fighting

without my eye-glasses and because of my shyness I couldn’t and didn’t want to look at her

instead I just focused into my own thoughts

and I felt the kundalini raging with me, my face, my throat, my arms

The confrontation would soon happened

And around twenty minutes later Chantal told me, she’s coming toward us, she’s coming toward us

I barely looked at her

She saluted us, hugging me distantly, gave her hand to Chantal, and started asking us mundane questions, discussing of trivialities

I didn’t want to talk, couldn’t talk, there was a knot in my throat

so I just looked into her eyes with intensity, love and anger

anger at how she pretended there was nothing at all

she quieted and sat next to me

she fell into silence and looked into my eyes

then she looked away, saying I’d always win at this game

we remained silent, the tree of us sitting one close to another

then my twin looked at me again and told me she felt withheld tears within me, and she didn’t know if they were tears of joy or tears of sadness, she slowly added

then she reflected for an instant, and said she thought they were tears of sadness

and she added she was sorry but couldn’t help me yet

Another silent moment passed

then, she placed her hand on my left shoulder

it was the first time she touched me with her hand

and I felt a strong heat within my left shoulder; I had never felt the kundalini in my shoulders, and it used to surprise me; for the first time it was working there

we looked at each other, her gaze was soft, almost tender

a boy came to speak to her, but she cut him saying she was busy

we remained like that for a few minutes, until her coach came to call her for her next fighting

she left

meanwhile I started trying to make sense of what had happened with Chantal

we waited a long time before she came back

her face was hard and distant, and she said she had a lot of work to do up there, as she was in the committee of a students’ association, and wished us a pleasant stay in the Netherlands

she didn’t look at my eyes, barely saluted Chantal, and left

And we were left shocked, with little hope to see her again

We expected it to be confrontational, but not to be already over so fast

We walked back to the center and had lunch and Chantal painted a bit and we chatted, quite dispirited by what had happened

we went to the hotel and let go to the attraction between us, than we went running, and while we were running suddenly Chantal told me, let’s go, let’s go, to see her again

she was suggesting to go back where the competition was taking place as she’d possibly still be there

we run toward there, arrived in the building; I didn’t dare enter this time, and Chantal had to drag me forward

my twin was there, putting order in the room

She asked what we still wanted

I looked into her eyes with more anger than tenderness this time

And she looked back without flinching

And we stayed like that for minutes, before we noticed we were preventing other people to clean the room

so Chantal suggested to go out; my twin accepted but said she wouldn’t go far as she was expected for dinner with her student association’s committee

we went out under an alley of tall poplars; large clouds were traveling in the sky and it was fresh and windy

we stared again for a long, long time, something like a quarter of an hour

her gaze into mine, my gaze into hers, darkness meeting darkness

at one point she said it wasn’t helping if I didn’t speak

often I felt she was struggling against her tears, struggling not to cry and keep her mask of apparent strength; and then distrust would grow on her face; before emotions returning, and being fought again

I was witnessing her internal fight, reflected on her tense face

Then, after a while I broke the eye contact, and looked at the sky and immediately knew it was a mistake

Distraught and distrust had won, and she told me, Erik, I am NOT the person you think I am… and at that exact moment, a nearby firework interrupted her

and I laughed, I laughed, because I knew it was life telling her to shut up, and she laughed too

but then as the last echo of the firework died away, she repeated her sentence and she said she was about to go

I took my courage and caressed her face and her eyebrow with my finger, a soft caress on the right side of her face

Then she left, and she went toward Chantal and thanked her for taking care of me, healing me, asking me to forget her

And she left for good, without looking once behind her

It was the second time we were rejected in one day

I knew underneath there was still hope, but on the surface I felt crushed

We walked back to the city, as gray in the mood as the sky was gray

Chantal felt a bit upset too, as for fifteen minutes in a row I had not looked at her once, and our confrontation had seemed endless to her

endless, to what results?

when you cumulate two defeats in one day it’s hard to stay strong and optimistic

but as we crossed the city gate we noticed a church with a ceremony, and we decided to go in in its midst

There I prayed with fervor and felt the kundalini stronger than I had ever felt it in the back of my neck

I told life it COULDN’T end in this way, it just couldn’t

And suddenly I felt my moral slightly better, and we decided to dine in a good place to raise our mood

as the previous night we had waited for too long before finding a restaurant, and had ended up in the only restaurant which kept its kitchen open after ten, an African restaurant, winning one blockage of mine to try foreign exotic food

we found a place and dined there and laughed and tried thinking of other things

and we came back to sleep, with a choice to make

should we leave the next morning as we had planned, or wait for the evening and take the night train that would make us arrive just in time for work on Tuesday morning

I told Chantal I couldn’t, didn’t want to leave before trying seeing my twin again

And so we decided to wait

The next morning we had a good, copious breakfast; when you are far from home, far from the loved ones, in a foreign country, and constantly rejected by your twin, it is important to take the time to appreciate the little things of life you still can appreciate

and before that I wrote her a short message, speaking to her again after three weeks of silence, as she had asked me where were my words on the eve

I wrote her, telling her I had loved seeing her again after two years, and that she’d never be happy as long as she refused to be herself, refused to live her emotions, to delve into her feelings; and I told her the tears she had felt trapped in me were hers in fact

And after breakfast we set some inspirational music and laid down to meditate and let the kundalini work

and I started having a really good feeling in my heart

and I felt warmth invading all my body, stemming from my left shoulder where she had touched me

and suddenly I felt my heart beating extremely fast, galloping as though it was a wild horse that had been trapped all his life and had suddenly found his freedom again on wild open pastures, and it galloped and galloped

and when my heart quieted I looked at my phone, and she had written me

she said she wanted to see me, but wouldn’t be able before 4 pm, and she proposed to meet us at the station

With Chantal we went to another town to see the ocean, as we both felt the lack of the sea in Switzerland

we walked on a long sand beach and were met with a tremendous storm, heavy rain, strong gale, and still we walked and accepted to get soaked through

and Chantal seemed a little girl running after sea shells and huge white and gray gulls

I was a little bit less enthusiastic of getting so damp, already thinking of consequences, of my shoes, but I followed her

then we warmed up in a small café eating a hot soup and sitting by a fire

and we went back to my twin’s town

At four we were walking toward the station, but we didn’t see her and Chantal tried to see if she was from the other side

I was left to myself for a short moment, and I waited

until the two girls of my life came back walking together to me

I waited, without expectations, without motion

and my twin came toward me and smiled to me and hugged me a deep hug

and she stayed in my arms, and she told me she had broken down and cried and cried like never that morning

for the first time, she had cried for herself

and she had written spontaneous poetry for the first time in a year

and she felt well, well and free

she looked toward the half-clearing sky and smiled to the wind

and her wide clothes floated around her

she was another person from the eve

and we remained close to one another

I could speak, dared to speak again, as she was true and loving and tender

I asked her when she’d finish her studies, and she told me she still had one year and a half

and she told me that intellectually she could find some courses and topics interesting, but that they didn’t fulfill her at all; I recognized what she said, I had lived, was living, the same things

still, she wanted to continue, for now

I told her I couldn’t write, that words had become meaningless for me, and she told me to write about this wall separating us I had started to write about once; and I felt thrilled to see how deeply what I wrote her touched her, how even when she did not reply for many months she kept my words within her heart

she then asked me almost mournfully why I had not replied to her email three weeks ago; and I felt how important for her were my emails, even when they weren’t the greatest pieces of writing, even when the day before she had told me farewell

she said she was cold and I gave her the blue jacket I wore; she didn’t want to accept, but I told her I’d take it back when I’d be cold in my turn

she then told me we’d not be free until we’d stop counting time, and that it would take time

and ironically, we both were stressed by time, by the train departure, and I found myself watching the clock tower of the cathedral in the background

I told her we’d heal faster than she imagined

And then she hugged me again, to part

And I looked toward Chantal and she came to us

And the three of us hugged, and my twin told us we were two incredible people, and both her and Chantal had tears in their eyes

I was the only one to be still closed to my emotions, and I said I never cried

The three of us remained embraced, joining at our heads, and my twin said we had come at the exact right time, that she couldn’t go on as she did

and then she hugged me again, and she hugged Chantal, and we parted for good

and Chantal and me walked to our train platform, elated by what had happened

and the fourteen hours of train passed in a happy blur

speaking excitedly in the Dutch train until an old woman asked us to be quieter so she could sleep, and watching the sunset over the moors and the water plans

arriving in Germany and doing a two hours stop in Köln that I knew already, but made visit Chantal

there was a carnival there, or rather the leftovers of a carnival, beer and pee and dung in the streets and garbage everywhere, and we laughed like two mad persons and looked for a restaurant in vein

then we took the night train that stopped in every city on its path, barely sleeping, but we were so happy and excited that we didn’t want to sleep

and we caught the train in Switzerland and went to the bar to have a breakfast, and we were welcomed by landscapes that were turning white thanks to the snow

it was so beautiful to see the countryside waking up and blanketing in white, so peaceful, and life seemed beautiful

and we arrived in Lausanne and run to our respective works, promising to meet again at lunch time as we always did, wondering how we’d continue living a normal life after that

what had happened with my twin was a strong sign for us that soon the painter too would grow closer from Chantal

she had already felt strange emotions while in the Netherlands

and a few of her insecurities related to a deep wound had come back to the surface, that of being abandoned by her best friend me, as she had been abandoned in the past

but still she was deeply happy for me, and glad to have met my twin because she had felt a soul bond with her too

after all, if Chantal was my sister soul, or faerie sister, she’s also the faerie sister of my twin soul

and during the few moments they had spent together walking around the station to meet me, Chantal had given her a sea shell she had picked for her, and the first little stone of their friendship had been set

You can read the next chapter here – Fragments of Truth

If you’re new here, you can start reading this story from the beginning with chapter 1 – The Dream, or the previous chapter Second Dawn

“Disparaît” is a watercolor painting by Chantal Peguiron


About Erik Vincenti Zakhia

Dear all, I will share with you many of my poems, short stories, drawings and paintings telling of my journey of self-discovery and my reflections about life, love, art, spirituality, sexuality, kundalini rise, and twin flames. You will also come across many paintings by Chantal Peguiron that are intimately related to my artwork. They all fall within the realm of Hazen. If you like it, don’t hesitate to subscribe and follow me on social media! May you have an inspiring visit!


  1. Pingback: Reuniting with my twin flame – A Second Dawn | Erik Vincenti Zakhia

  2. Pingback: Reuniting with my twin flame – Fragments of Truth | Erik Vincenti Zakhia

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