Reuniting with my twin flame – Wintry Darkness


My twin soul didn’t reply to my poem about the black hole and the force

And my writing inspiration continued to be almost inexistent

The kundalini worked in me and kept on putting me in a hazy state, which I started to abhor as I had very little energy for everything else

My only consolation was my friendship with my paintress friend, Chantal

We still spoke for hours even if we had less energy

We drew map minds together, writing and painting our ideas on the same paper, trying to understand at what stage we were, why our twin souls were behaving in the way they did

It was very cold and gray and hazy outside, mirroring how we felt inside

Chantal had discovered that her painter twin had been in a romantic relationship with a man since almost two years, and they even lived together

Why on earth and heaven was her twin soul gay, and living with another man

How were they supposed to retrieve each other one day

Questions that tormented her, and tormented me too, as I have this analytical mind which likes, needs, to understand things around and define patterns

We had had no news from the painter since our initial encounter six months before, in May

Chantal had sent him the Swan during summer, but he had not replied, making us wonder if he had received it or not

Except the brief exchange I had had with my twin one month before, coined Silence, I had no news from her either

And I assumed she continued her relationship with the boy with whom she had told me she was

And the physical attraction with Chantal continued, in the midst of our doubts

Were we supposed to live this attraction or resist it?

Why were we attracted one to another if we loved two other persons?

Dear reader, perhaps you will find I repeat myself a lot, but that’s how it felt going through these events; we felt trapped in an endless loop, things and thoughts and emotions repeating themselves cyclically

We tried several times resisting the attraction, when one of us was attracted and the other wasn’t for instance

I usually initiated these decisions, as Chantal didn’t dare to, since she had this deep fear of abandonment within her, and felt that if she refused me, she was abandoning me

But they didn’t last for long, none of us had enough willpower left, the attraction was too strong, we were too close, and there was this underlying feeling that it was something we had to live

In a way, it mirrored what our twin souls were doing, each dating a partner

Jokingly, we told each other that as all the leaves from trees would fall, the last leaves of the tree of lies would fall too, and their relationships would end

Meanwhile Chantal continued to unearth her troublesome past

As a teenager, jealous and hurt by the attention her elder sister got, since her sister always obtained good results at school and conformed to her parents will, while she didn’t, she started to self-harm, cutting her veins on her left arm, and when she had too many cuts on her left arm, she cut her right arm too

She hid her self-harming by always wearing long sleeve shirts even during summer times

The first time she had done it was in the intimacy of her large grandfather’s house; it helped her to quiet down the excess of emotions and energy she had to cut herself; and she was fascinated by the blood, how it flowed over her arm

In a way, it was her paintress spirit that was at work there, fascinated by colors and shapes and flowing liquids reminiscent of paintings

She did it for many months, perhaps a year, after her parents found out what she was doing to herself

She continued doing it a bit afterwards, but when she met her first boyfriend, she stopped

Despite cutting herself, she had never been suicidal, and her middle teen hood wasn’t such a dark time of her life as she was also very inspired to paint and create

It’s only later, as the relationship with her first boyfriend started growing more and more negatively, and she frequented an art school that put her many constraints, that her creative flow started to dry up

And when she finished her art school and started her media formation, she feared she’d never paint again; she had almost no energy, no inspiration, to put in her drawings

And that lack of inspiration lasted for around three years, until she traveled to Africa, until she met me and paint her painter twin

And suddenly all the ocean of creativity that had been withheld returned in full force within her soul

And she started painting in a way she had not before, without thinking, it just came naturally to her

Seeing the painter’s canvases had unblocked something within her

She stopped applying the guidelines she had learnt in her art school and that constrained her so much

But there was something else at work here too

Before meeting her I had already developed a theory, from my personal experience and my sister’s, who has met her twin too, even though she’s several years younger than I am

When you have your twin soul reincarnated in this world, you’re sharing your soul energy, and creativity, with another person

It’s very powerful when the two come together, but also very handicapping at certain moments of your life

You have less energy within yourself, you feel emptier than people who don’t have their twin soul reincarnated while they live; or at least you’re much more aware about that emptiness

because you’ve also lived moments of plenitude while writing to your twin for instance, as it had happened to me

And so the twins creativity follows waves according to my experience, often one of the two is inspired while the other is not; sometimes these periods can last one or two years

there are also times when the creative force is shared, ending up in none being truly inspired

but this correlation isn’t so clear, so mathematical as it seems, and until now I have troubles understanding it

All what I knew is that while I was writing l’histoire lausannoise and afterwards I was the one to be truly inspired, while my twin struggled to write

Afterwards, when we stopped writing each other after her story with the vulture, she had started getting more inspired while I became unable to write

So in December I had already gone through seven months of low tides of inspiration, while Chantal’s inspiration had blossomed in the beginning of the summer and had dwindled afterward, never reaching my extreme low

After all she had a lot to catch up after barely holding her brush and her pencils for three years; and she did catch up, painting canvas after canvas

At that time we discovered where her painter twin and his boyfriend lived, almost by chance, and we noted their address so the next time she’d sent him a painting it would be there and not to his atelier

And she painted a watercolor she coined as the crying painter, symbolizing all the tears she was shedding for him, all the sadness he refused to live and he bear within him

And we painted together, Chantal and me, the first watercolor of mine I loved, and I called it pollen, and Chantal decided she’d send it to my twin soul in the Netherlands

But we didn’t send them right away; I had ordered three copies of Anam Cara: a book of Celtic Wisdom, one for Chantal, one for my sister, and one for a depressed boy I knew

And suddenly I understood that it wouldn’t help Chantal as much as it’d help the painter

In a way the painter resembled me, intellectualizing too much things, and since this book had had such a soothing effect on me I imagined it could truly help him as well

So we decided to send the two paintings, the crying painter, and pollen, at the time we’d receive the book as well

And we waited and waited for the book to arrive, but Christmas was faster, and I left Switzerland for two weeks to go visit my family in Lebanon

These months were times of gloom, as I felt half deadened inside, incapable to write, forced to work in a job I did not like

Looking back at these months, it’s when my and Chantal’s hidden wounds started opening, bringing a lot of pain in the process, and haze too as both our twins couldn’t cope with the depth of that pain, and when you’re suffering too much the only way not to think is to drown yourself in other things preventing you from thinking, drugs, alcohol, sex, social gatherings

That we only suspected at the time, and we kept on wondering why we were feeling so weak and hazy, physically handicapped, when we had a fairly healthy lifestyle


You can continue reading this story with the next chapter, A Second Dawn

If you’re new here, you can start reading this story from the beginning with chapter 1 – The Dream, or the previous chapter Physical Attraction

“Flammes jumelles” is a watercolor painting by Chantal Peguiron



About Erik Vincenti Zakhia

Dear all, I will share with you many of my poems, short stories, drawings and paintings telling of my journey of self-discovery and my reflections about life, love, art, spirituality, sexuality, kundalini rise, and twin flames. You will also come across many paintings by Chantal Peguiron that are intimately related to my artwork. They all fall within the realm of Hazen. If you like it, don’t hesitate to subscribe and follow me on social media! May you have an inspiring visit!


  1. Pingback: Reuniting with my twin flame – Physical Attraction | Erik Vincenti Zakhia

  2. Merci Erik! pour ton écriture, je me plonge dans tout les moments du passé, certains événements je les avais oublié!
    Tu mérite pleins de coeur

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Reuniting with my twin flame – A Second Dawn | Erik Vincenti Zakhia

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