Reuniting with my twin flame – Physical Attraction


In the following weeks the kundalini continue to flow through all my body

Every evening after work I ate dinner and laid down for long hours on my back

And I passively witnessed as its energy filled each of my limb, forcefully tearing at my blockages

Being immobile for a long time was a good occasion to let my thoughts float and meditate

I could think about my life, and about my twin soul, trying to imagine what she was living, if she was going through parallel experiences

One month and a half after the start of the kundalini awakening, four months after the last time I had masturbated and checked social media, I felt something new within my body

I was feeling horny again, but it happened when the kundalini was working, and without doing anything I started experiencing a warmth flowing in all my body, and sensations close to pleasure

I closed my eyes and thought about my twin flame, about her true face, the time I had seen it almost two years before

And that made the sensations I was already feeling even more intense

And I felt some areas of my body, those I thought requiring healing, becoming very warm

Inside my belly, in my feet, a bit everywhere

I experienced intense pleasure without doing anything, but something still lacked, I needed to reach an orgasm

And so I took the conscious decision of “helping” my body, of reaching the orgasm with my own hands

And then it became a pattern, each time I laid down to do the kundalini, attraction would rise in me until I felt compelled to masturbate

I did it without fetish, just thinking about the beauty of the true face of my twin flame

But that didn’t last, and two weeks later as I was feeling a bit empty, I opened the banned videos again, those about slight weight gain in girls

I felt so eager to open them again, as I had been away for five months and imagined there would be many new ones; but there weren’t

And I self-pleasured again in front of them

And afterwards I felt a confused emotion of guilt and acceptance

One part of me thought that it was necessary to do it, to explore my sexuality, to heal, because of the strong link I had felt between sexuality and kundalini, which is a healing process

Another part of me was angry and sad to have relapsed, not to have the will to say no

I told my best friend the paintress about what was happening to me

She hadn’t masturbated again since when she had stopped doing it

She used to do it in excess as well, and she felt it helped her not do it, and she was afraid to relapse into all the dark sides of her life if she did it again

One or two weeks later we went on excursion to visit an old town in the Swiss countryside

And there we weirdly felt attracted to one another, physically

It was very strange for us, because we had been the best friends of the world for months, without even imagining being lovers, since we both loved two other persons, of a powerful love that had changed our life

Me with my writress twin, and her with her painter twin

And suddenly our bodies were feeling attracted by one another

We discussed it that day, without doing anything, laughing about how Cupid had fired his bewitched arrows at the same time, and wondering about what this attraction meant

Four days later, I reopened Facebook for the first time, and showed her the profile of my twin; it was the first time she saw her pictures

Interestingly, before that she had painted a woman’s face that bore a resemblance with her

As I opened my Facebook account, I was feeling an intense fear in all my body, the fear to have of her news again, the fear to see she was in a new relationship

However her profile indicated she was single, and she had not changed her picture since the previous time

The next day I woke early in the morning with a different state of mind from the other days

It had been a very long time I didn’t write, I had a blockage, as though words had lost their meanings for me; I wasn’t inspired and couldn’t force myself

that day, I felt sentences forming in my mind effortlessly, and I felt like writing my twin soul a letter

I went to work, and when I came back in the evening the need to write her was even more pressing

And so I wrote her a long letter called “Silence”, where I told her about the new strength I had found during these months of silence, and about my encounter with Chantal, my paintress friend; I didn’t mention the kundalini to her, yet, out of fear of her judgment, as I deemed it something almost crazy, paranormal, that was happening to me

The next day I felt an intense grayness falling over me, wrapping my mood and my heart, and the weather outside mirrored how I felt with a thick haze

As the day flowed into the night, I started feeling better and better, almost euphoric, and I went to see Chantal in a park close to her house

There we discussed with fire and watched the full moon and felt a strong warm breeze clearing the clouds, and afterwards we started hugging; it was the first time we surrendered to our physical attraction, even though it was a minor surrendering

We parted and the next day which was a Saturday she came to see me in my flat, and we painted together and laughed; I had started painting a little bit, more as a curious experiment, and was never satisfied with the results of what I did

but I liked to watch her doing, and she taught me one or two techniques of spontaneity, which I enjoyed using afterward

In the afternoon I opened my e-mail, and I had received an answer of my twin flame

My heart started beating extremely fast, Chantal was surprised to see how fearful and startled I looked

I opened her letter which was equal to mine in length, and she told me about her life, about how she had left the vulture only few days after we had stopped speaking, not because of my pressure (of course not!), but because of a vision she had had with a friend of her, where she was restoring a house together with him, and she understood she’d never be able to build anything with a vulture

So she left him, and during the summer she continued her process of self-discovery, she had started writing again, and she had rediscovered drawing the first night she had spent by herself

since she had left her flatmates to a small studio on her own, something which would have been unthinkable of a year before, so afraid was she of silence

And she met again with that distant friend of hers with whom she had had the vision, and she had felt attracted to him

She thought it was too early to be with someone again, but she told to herself that if he did the first step she wouldn’t push him away since it would be a lie

And the next day he wrote her a small message, and they started dating

And she told me she felt much more convinced about him than she had felt with the vulture, or even her first boyfriend

He was sweet and clever, he quietly listened to her without judging her, helping her to step a bit out of her comfort zone

She told me that she loved Chantal from my descriptions

And where Chantal and me where two blazing bonfires, her current boyfriend was a distant constellation allowing her dull light to shine

Reading her mail despaired me at first

But then I read it again, and at the beginning she said that when she first saw my letter, she wanted to throw it in her spam out of a childish impulse and never hear from me again

During one day, her anger at me, for pretending I knew her better than herself, and her curiosity, battled

And at the end curiosity won

And that coincided with the morning oppression and grayness I had felt the day before, and the elation that had seethed in me at night

What she called anger was her fear of me, what she coined curiosity was her love for me

I understood that, I knew that even if she was with another boy and felt convinced about him, it didn’t mean she truly loved him and that it would last long

And I did another link in my mind

The anger I had felt against sexuality, that had helped me not to be tempted to masturbate for nearly five months

This anger she had felt too, but against me, a protective anger not to think of me

And now finally the anger was dissipating, even though she told me she thought she was still angry with me, and that she didn’t know if she wanted us to resume our correspondence as though nothing had happened

I went to run in the forest that night and I saw the full moon shining over me and I read promises in its brightness

I then felt sure that was not the end word of our story

The next day I saw Chantal again, and we felt very attracted, and we started hugging again

And soon we started exploring one another’s body, without kissing as we didn’t feel ready yet

But the attraction was too strong to resist, and we found reasons in us to believe we were meant to live it to heal

And we started living it

I had never had a girlfriend or a sexual relationship before, and was very afraid of that; even now when I tell this story, I’m still slightly ill at ease

Chantal had had two boyfriends, but the first one didn’t respect her and was manipulative, and the second one cheated on her, shattering her ideals on love, and sending her into a spiral of negativity, where she had met a manipulative girl too

Her view of sexuality was tainted by all these negative experiences she had

And more, we discovered that she had something that resembled a fetish

She liked to give pleasure, and seeing the pleasure in her companion, more than receiving pleasure

And she had a tendency to be attracted by emotionally distant men who seemed to have a deep hurt, men that wouldn’t hesitate to abuse of her naiveté and her kindness

Her need to give pleasure to the other perhaps comes from a fascination toward the signs of her control on the body of her partner

And from a craving to be the one that gives the most of pleasure, or the fear that her partner sees other women too

This had been disastrous in the past for her, wounding her deeply and making her become very jealous

All these things we started to understand as our relationship progressed

I too had blockages, I was terrorized of my own body, of her body, of doing anything at first

Thankfully she was very sweet and patient and encouraging, the right qualities to help me come out from my cocoon of shyness and physical introversion

And so the next weeks were spent in exploring our sexuality, this shadow of us we had blocked for several months and were now forced to confront in order to progress

The kundalini continued working through me, and Chantal continued to cry the painter tears

But something new appeared that we called haze

At first we thought the concrete healing process had started

As we laid down side by side and the energy and heat filled me and her, she felt warmth and tensions and tears

A sort of haze wrapped our minds and we fell in a strange hazy sleep, one where we know we’re not fully asleep, but are too tired to move

That intensified in the next weeks, until it became truly heavy

She was slowly losing her inspiration for painting, even though she continued to paint a few paintings per week

I had entirely lost my inspiration for writing, and felt drained of all my energy, I didn’t even have the force to go running and walking

I worked, and after work spent all my time home, prey to these episodes of haze where all my evenings disappeared into a half-wakeful state

We knew we were healing, but it was taking far too much time and energy, far more than my patience tolerated

But even my impatience was drowned in this haze

Only once in all the month of November did I feel inspired enough to write to my twin flame, a poem about the kundalini, the first time I told her about it, called the Black Hole and the Force

I want to write

I want to write

I want to write

I want to write

Each letter is expanding and colliding with its neighbor, but no reaction is produced from this collision and the long-awaited spark does not come to light

I have almost forgotten the taste of typing on my keyboard, its harsh melody, its quietness, its silence

And the Force is pulling and distorting my face

And my heart is trying to beat with gleefulness, but there’s little to feast about

Where have you been hiding all this time?

You disappeared, drowned by the clouds like the moon, moving silently and effortlessly, gliding through the dark sky and hiding your ever-changing face

Why are you afraid, I wanted to ask you, why are you so afraid?

In want of idea to proceed, I start reading what I wrote from the beginning, but I immediately feel the falsehood of that… and yet, I still do it

But at the same time I know why you are so afraid…

The Force knows it at least

This Force that for three months in a row has been dancing madly in my body, in my legs, in my arms, in my chest, in my heart, in my throat, in my teeth, in my jaws, under my brow, in my spine, and eventually reaching the back of my head, its final destination, where the Everything is hiding

The black hole, that’s how we called it

The place where unwanted memories and undigested feelings go

A nice and warm and cozy castle

But now the Force has put it under siege

It is pulling and pushing and storming its walls, patiently, knowingly, one blow after another, one stone after another

The castle is shaking, but it is offering a fierce resistance

Yielding would mean its end, its final destruction

It has no other choice but resisting, resisting, resisting, gripping my skull with all the might of its roots, winding around each bone like a rainforest snake would with a tree, sleeping night and day on its booty by fear of losing it

The Force is trying to bring light, brightness, understanding

But the black hole does not want of that, it has grown up under the rule of glooms and fears, expanding, expanding, and threatening to engulf everything in its gluttony

And I want to cry, and I want to scream, and I want to laugh, and I want to run, and I want to feel, and I want to write, but there’s no energy left in me, as the Force is besieging the black hole, no other feeling left in me but helpless emptiness

A helpless emptiness endlessly echoing in an infinite emptiness


You can continue your reading with the next chapter, Wintry Darkness

If you’re new here, you can start reading this story from the beginning with chapter 1 – The Dream, or the previous chapter Kundalini Awakening

“The black hole and the force” is a watercolor painting by Chantal Peguiron


About Erik Vincenti Zakhia

Dear all, I will share with you many of my poems, short stories, drawings and paintings telling of my journey of self-discovery and my reflections about life, love, art, spirituality, sexuality, kundalini rise, and twin flames. You will also come across many paintings by Chantal Peguiron that are intimately related to my artwork. They all fall within the realm of Hazen. If you like it, don’t hesitate to subscribe and follow me on social media! May you have an inspiring visit!


  1. Pingback: Reuniting with my twin flame – Kundalini Awakening | Erik Vincenti Zakhia

  2. Wow! I love reading about twin flame journeys! Wonderful post!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Reuniting with my twin flame – Wintry Darkness | Erik Vincenti Zakhia

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