Madre dell'ucciso - Gilbert Zakhia

You will not walk on my feet and you will not change me

No, you will respect me

respect me for who I am, for who I choose to be

Accept me, accept me as I am

These are my last words to you

Accept me, or disappear from my view

A bit more than two centuries ago I lived in Marseilles

And I feel a tremendous amount of anger related to the unfairness of the life I lived there back then

Sometimes this anger resurfaces against the persons around me, for little unimportant things

Less and less often lately, but it is still here, underneath, and it deserved to be addressed, understood, healed

One year ago, when I decided to halt one night in Marseilles while crossing France by train, my eyes blurred with tears

I imagined these simple men and women that had died fighting against oppression for their freedom

And I felt a strong sense of belonging with them

In my heart I was one of them

Rising with my fork in the uproar and chanting, shouting for justice and freedom after years of unfairness and abuses

Early morning when I started walking in Marseilles, I cried

I was listening to music and imagining the throng around me, the valiant revolutionaries rising and fighting

And I imagined a young man killed, his dreams shattered, and his mother crying, crying over his lifeless corpse

I don’t remember the injustices that were committed against me during that life in Marseilles

But I know I often felt this same sense of unfairness in my current life, even when fate has favored me

I feel this strong sense of unfairness for my tiny nation that has several times been threatened to be canceled from the map

For oppressed minorities that are exterminated, especially when I see a devastated mother crying her children, or a civilization going extinct

For nature that is bleeding every day, destroyed and disfigured in a thousand of little ways

Against people who throw eatable food easily, my first reflex is to jump and stop them from committing such an abhorrent act

You may think it all comes from my deep sensitivity, but I believe it is also related to experiences of hunger and pain and unfairness I’ve suffered in the past

When I was younger I used to be uncompromising in my beliefs about what was the best for the world

My dream was to be in charge, be a good dictator, to build an ideal society, ideal cities based on peaceful cohabitation between humans and nature

Each day I panicked seeing nature being destroyed, mountains eaten down, whole stretches of coast embanked, forests burnt, old houses destroyed

I wanted to put a halt to all that

I had not understood yet that everything happens for a reason, that even bad things, in particular bad things, will help us evolve along the path of self-discovery, and that to love deeply one’s must first delve into his shadows, to understand what is the absence of love

When I finally arrived in Marseilles old town that is built on several hills overlook the deep blue sea with its rocky coastlines and its islands, I was filled with emotions and a sense of awe

I asked my road to a very old woman and she chatted gaily with me and I felt a sense of belonging with her

I arrived close to an old fisher harbor and scrambled on the rocks and ate some sea fennel that grew there, as salty as I liked it

The sculpture in the picture is by Francesco Ciusa, “La madre dell’ucciso”, Museo Ciusa di Nuoro (Sardinia), 1907

About Erik Vincenti Zakhia

Dear all, I will share with you many of my poems, short stories, drawings and paintings telling of my journey of self-discovery and my reflections about life, love, art, spirituality, sexuality, kundalini rise, and twin flames. They all fall within the realm of Hazen. May you have an inspiring visit!


  1. Fascinating! What I wonder though, dear Erik, is how do you really know if you are having memories of a past life or if it is just a very vivid imagination that you have? As I said earlier, I am very interested in this subject and have read quite a bit about it, but I do wonder how you really know – is there some sort of feeling that you get that makes you think that this is not just my imagination, but this really happened? I’m not expecting you to have all the answers, so don’t worry too much if you can’t really explain.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Marie,
      Thank you for reading me so thoroughly, it really touches me. And I’m glad my writings are helping you to trust more and more your intuition and life workings! Nothing really happens out of coincidence. Each little thing that happens to us, that surrounds us, has a meaning within, even if we can’t see it or understand it right now. As human beings we have the capacity to become fully enlightened, of seeing the reality around us as it truly is, from a place of love and truth and eternity within ourselves. It takes a lot of work to reach that state, lifetime upon lifetime, but it is an exhilarating journey, especially once we become to delve into the realities deeper than the apparent ones. How do I know it is a sort of past life memory and not a play of my imagination! Well I cannot swear I’ve lived those lives. And I don’t write about each of these past lives with the same level of details. I write down these stories as they come to my mind. And it doesn’t truly matter whether I’ve truly lived those lives or not. What matters instead is that each of them is related to a feeling of unfairness at the world, at society, that is deeply ingrained in me. A feeling that has accompanied me since my childhood. And that is not related to my current life as I’ve grown up in a middle class family with loving parents. These things had weighed on me all my life (now I’m twenty-six), and finally I find an explanation to them. I write about them. And I feel this feeling of unfairness slowly decreases. I can be more loving and trusting with others. I stop being so anguished about everything around me. So there must be a deep element a truth in them. This is a personal journey. Some have visions, some speak with angels, some go to past life readers, some like myself do it on their own, slowly, intuitively, one layer after another. We’re all on this journey of integrating our past and our future to be perfectly in balance within ourselves I believe. I’ve written several posts about it, if you’re curious you can type “Hazen” in the search bar top right of my blog. Those are the starting points and
      All this is new to me, it’s only since three years ago I’ve started delving deeper into my spiritual self, and only since last year I’ve become more aware that perhaps I’ve lived more than once and have wounds related to my past.
      What I’ve learned too from my experience and my close ones is that sometimes the situation we live in this life are a repetition of what we lived in another life. We need to live again the same thing to heal it finally. Because we need to understand in order to heal. Perhaps that’s what is happening to you. I don’t know exactly what you have gone through, when I’ll have a moment and feel the right inspiration I will go through all your story and give you my point of view.
      Thank you again for all your kindness and your enthusiasm and for sharing so much of you with me.
      I’ll get back to your other comments and to your poems in due time.
      With love,

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you so much for this dear Erik. It is a pleasure to share with you and you are very enlightened for one so young, I must say! I’ll definitely check out this link you have sent. Also, when you have the time to read through some of my posts and get a better picture of my experiences, it would be great to let me have your thoughts and I very much look forward to that.
        Thank you too for your kindness and enthusiasm – such a pleasure to share with someone with similar interests.
        That link I sent you, which I guess you haven’t had time yet to explore is written by someone called Elizabeth Sheels who too talks about her own kundalini experience which is why I thought you might be interested, having just read about your own kundalini and how it has affected you.
        We were obviously destined to connect and I really look forward to corresponding with you at a future date.
        How fortunate you are to be living in Switzerland and living the life you choose to live – I think that’s great!
        With love,
        Marie 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • Dear Marie,
          Thank you for all your words, they mean a lot to me. I’ve shared some of them with my parents. It’s part of the process of reassuring them, of helping them to fully accept and embrace my choices. It was quite a shock for them at first when I decided to quit engineering to become a writer. Only recently have they started to understand it stems from a very strong dream within, and perhaps I have the capacity to inspire and help people around as well as myself with my printed words.
          I’ve gone through one of Elizabeth Sheels post (I still need to read it more thoroughly) and indeed I see all their meaning, especially what she says about being the sum of all our past lives. I feel that. We’ve accumulated so many traumas over ages it’s time to heal and understand, to truly become ourselves. I’ve written a poem about that two days ago, of how these traumas weighed on us all along life and how difficult it was to get rid of them
          And I’ve gone through the four pieces of yours you advised me to read. You write beautifully, each sentence has a poetry to itself. I didn’t comment them individually, because I needed to absorb them, more their energies than their content. I’m very sorry about what you had to go through, and we are only offered a glimpse about it. I have a psychologist friend who’s also a blogger and writer and who had undergone similar abuses when she was a child, and I sent her your blog because I think she will relate to you. I’m very sorry you lost your mother. But don’t despair. You will see her again, in better shape than she was. Trust to life!
          Being hurt is horrendous, but it’s also part of the process of growing in awareness, growing into our true selves. It takes many many lives. Don’t hate your past. Try to accept it. To write about it as openly as you can. To understand it. To heal it. To pardon yourself and others who have warmed you. Try to offer yourself all the compassion you deserve. Don’t be afraid of crying and making others around cry with the sadness of your stories. As someone who has not lived similar things in this life, nor in the few previous lives, I had difficulties to emotionally relate to your writings. I felt as though you were still keeping a big part of your hurt and your pain within. I know it’s very hard to release. But it will help you and heal you when you manage to write about it I believe.
          After reading your writings, I wrote a poem called Tight words
          I don’t know if it will help you or not. And it’s not addressed to you, it’s more of a reflection about poetry in general. But reading your texts about your past triggered my inspiration.
          I may be entirely wrong in what I’m telling you. After all I don’t know you. Only you know and possess your inner truth. But to be truthful toward myself I’ve written you all that, because that’s how I felt about it. I had to take the risk, because otherwise how would I know!
          What matters is that in every little single act of life we grow, whether we are right or wrong, discovering more about our true selves.
          I wish you a pleasant night of rest Marie, and hope that we will continue to correspond and exchange our impressions, and that you will continue to be a light for all the people around you!
          With love,

          Liked by 1 person

          • I have to tell you that I shed a tear when I read this dear Erik. You are wise beyond your years – or am I being patronising here? I hope, I don’t come across that way, after all it is not only older people who have experience and wisdom – wisdom can come at any age and of course, it comes from a soul level, so you don’t have to be 100 years old to dispense wisdom – you can learn from a 3 year old! 🙂
            I have read your comment very carefully and looked at the links, which you may have noticed, as I have already left comments on the relevant posts. I even left a comment in French with the aid of my trusty friend Google Translate! I loved that poem that you wrote (not for me, but for me) :)) When I saw the image you had sketched I stared at it for a long while – I completely saw my self/soul. You are very talented.
            And I’m appreciative of all the advice you have given even though you admit that on an emotional level you could not connect completely, not having had those experiences yourself. If possible, in due time, you must let me know how your ‘blogger friend’ has received my blog. I hope she finds some solace there. I’d love to see her blog too, if she doesn’t mind.
            Please don’t think I’m being too personal, but do you get to see your family very often? Do you have brothers and sisters? It must have been such a huge step for you to give up your career like that and for your family too – but I truly believe that you have to live the life you want, and not the life others would like you to live. The important thing is to be happy and fulfilled, and you can’t do that if you are continually trying to please others in your choices.
            Once again, thank you for your advice, your kindness, your compassion, your ability to relate to and understand others’ joys and pains. You are a very special person, if you don’t mind me saying so, and I wish you joy and healing in all that you do.
            With love,
            ps. Interesting your reference about ‘light’ – will share another time! 🙂


            • Dear Marie,
              Don’t worry with me to control your words, just let them flow because they warm my heart!
              The drawing, Masque de Cire, is by Chantal, but again the lines between her and me are very blurred and if you praise me it’s as you praised her. We are like the tenderest brother and sister in the spirit and we do almost everything together, as a complimentary team. She had drawn it three months ago, if my memory is correct, but I still had not written a text to go with it. Each time I write a piece I have to decide which painting to use together with it. It comes as a lightning intuition.
              I’m glad that you found so much meaning in it. It reinforces me in my faith. It teaches to trust my intuitions even when they are unconventional, even when they don’t make sense to me at first. I told Chantal about your emotion in front of her drawing. It will mean a lot for her. People are usually more sensitive to words than images. It’s rare to shed a tear in front of a drawing.
              My blogger’s friend name is RoseGirl I believe she has followed you. She’s still quite shy to share of herself on the web, but she has told me part of her story in private, and there are many common points with yours. I met her a bit more than one month ago because I saw she too had met her twin soul and we started exchanging on that, and we discovered that we had a bond too, a familiarity as though we already knew one another. Perhaps you will feel that with her too!
              Chantal too will probably feel much more your emotions than I do. She feels these things where I need to read them. It’s like a vibe in the air, a cloud surrounding the words. She feels the emotions of others, where I’m more focused on my own emotions. I can understand the emotions of others more by mirroring them within me. Different ways of perceiving life!
              I have one sister who’s seven years younger and resembles me a lot, and a brother who’s eleven years younger and who’s very quiet and loving, and didn’t go through the emotional hardships my sister and me tend to attract.
              I left Lebanon almost five years ago, and I usually go back once per year for three weeks or so, and see them for ten days in Italy during the summer; that when I was working. I worked for almost two years in total and than decided to quit. I told them about it, but they took it really badly. For months I tried to continue. But I wasn’t feeling well. I was living a daily lie. Forced to do things I didn’t want to do. At the end I left without telling anyone about my decision for some time. Until the company where I worked gave me a positive review, and I could use to reassure my parents that in case my writing projects did not work, I still could go back to the world of engineering. Of course that is not at all my desire. But still I needed to put them at peace with my choice. It took several months during which they were quite anguished and upset. But when they saw me so passionate, so resolute, so confident, so peaceful, they started understanding I had made the right choice. Even though I had studied six years of engineering and so on. I told them it wasn’t a loss, I had learnt a great deal about myself, and it would surely help me. I went in Lebanon in October for one month with Chantal to make her visit the country as she’s swiss and has never been there. At the end of our stay, my parents proposed me to stay two additional months, since we didn’t see each other for so much time, and my departure four years ago was still an open wound for all of us (they had pushed me to go abroad to finish my studies, and I had obtained a scholarship to study in Switzerland at the time). The two months went great as week after week they grew in their conviction of what I was doing. They informed the rest of my family and their friends about it (they had hid my decision for five months, and it was quite a weight to lie to everyone). They started reading my writings, seeing my paintings, finding meaning into them. Sometimes my father would call me from his office to tell me how beautiful that piece I had written was, how it had moistened his eyes. So it was really deeply fulfilling to be there, to see my parents grow together with me, changing, evolving, perceiving life differently. I told them about my new understandings, my new beliefs, and it helped them. I found them more smiling, more relaxed, despite the hassle of life. All that is incredible. Before I feared my relationship with my family had been severed, damaged. And now I have them close to me again. My sister and my brother had been with me from the start. We’ve always been close. I’m really blessed with all of them. I’m sorry to share all that with you who had such a troubled past and family. But I’m sure you will be glad for me. And a lot of happiness is in store for you too I believe.
              Do you have brothers and sisters? How is your relationship with your daughter? Who is she? How do you occupy your days now? Tell me more, as much as you feel like sharing!
              With love ❤

              Liked by 1 person

            • The ‘like’ is to let you know I’ve seen this Erik. Such a lovely surprise – wasn’t expecting to hear back so quickly! Thank you ❤
              Oh yes!!! RoseGirl has liked and is following me – I just hadn’t connected the two of you – how lovely! I need to reply to her!
              OK – this is just a quickie – longer comment to follow – very soon! I know, I know – take my time … haha
              lots of love ❤ ❤

              Liked by 1 person

            • I’m back with a fuller comment! 🙂 Thanks so much for being so open about your life and your family and your hopes and dreams too! I’m sure you will be successful in all you do, Erik and I’m happy for you that your parents eventually came around to your way of thinking and the way you want your life to be. I understand how it must have been painful for them to see you giving up your career in engineering – I guess all parents want certain things for their children and I suppose that they thought that a career needs to be stable – and they saw that engineering would do that for you. I’m guessing they were thinking that writing and art might not be so lucrative. At the end of the day really, once you are an adult it’s for you to make your own life. Parents (and I am one!) always want to mother/father their children even when they are grown – I think it’s nature’s way. Most parents (not all, sadly) see themselves as protectors and want only what THEY think is best – and I too am guilty of that.:)
              Which leads me neatly to my daughter – we are quite close, but we do not always see eye to eye! 🙂 She works in childcare and she’s very happy doing that.
              Next question! I have one brother who is younger than me and has a grown up family and is actually a grandfather. We aren’t close and that is sad for me, but life sometimes goes like that.
              My days? They are quite fluid now – before I finished permanent employment I was ill and have been for a number of years so this has restricted what I can do. At one point, I was not able to leave my home, but things are better now. When I can, I do voluntary work and of course I like to write.
              So that’s me Erik!
              I’m sure we will talk some more and I really look forward to that.
              With love, ❤

              Liked by 1 person

            • Dear Marie,
              I react partially on what you tell me. Have you ever heard about the relationship between physical ailments and traumas? I wonder if your illness (I don’t really know about its nature, but feel free to tell me more about it) is not related to what you have lived in your childhood, and perhaps in another life? And as you heal this wound, you can also alleviate the pain from your body. When the kundalini energy awakened within me I became more sensitive to this close link between the body and the soul. I don’t know so much about it yet, but sometimes it happened that certain things in my body reawakened along my twin flame journey, and I clearly knew they were related to something of spiritual nature in me or in my twin soul.
              Thank you for your thorough comments and readings, I’ll come back to them as inspiration stems!
              With love ❤

              Liked by 1 person

            • Dear Erik,
              How kind of you to reply so soon. Some time ago (about 6 years), I came across a book that said the very same thing. And yes I linked the illness with the trauma I had suffered for the first 20 years or so of my life. I have suffered from depression for most of my life since childhood and then towards finishing work, I started getting anxiety attacks which came out of no where and for many years I did not know I was suffering from generalised anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder. The doctors took a long time to diagnose it, until I told them what happened to me as a child – then the connection was made.
              In childhood I was abused by a relative who had been assigned to take care of me while my parents emigrated. So that started around 18 months old – I was beaten, starved and locked in cupboards – so I was told by another relative, present at the time, as I do not have memories of this.
              Later, at 4, re-united with parents, I found my father was a very violent man who beat the whole family mercilessly. I was beaten everyday practically, from about 4 years old before school because I had a problem eating food. Later when I was 10 years or so, I suffered more abuse. I had a terrible relationship with my mother who did not like me – she much preferred my younger brother and made this very clear. In later life though, the relationship improved, but was never really a close one.
              As an adult I suffered terrible pain in my feet which has gone on for years, and I suspect that is as a result of trauma. Having never had the chance to process my feelings, I think the pain in my feet was a manifestation of this. Things are improving though, as I take better care of myself, in this regard.
              Interestingly though, you do keep mentioning about past life and how we carry wounds from previous lives into our current one. And I do wonder if the foot pain was linked in someway to a previous life – but I think the present illness: anxiety and agoraphobia (fear of open spaces) is very much linked to the cruelty I suffered and witnessed as a small child/young woman.
              Thank you for showing so much interest – I do appreciate it. ❤

              Liked by 1 person

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