Losing my mother

ertniep

When I was a child I used to be terrified to lose my mother

Each time she was a bit late when she came to pick me up at school

I imagined the worse, a car crash or something of the kind

Once or twice she was perhaps fifteen minutes late

And I had started crying

Each time she was late in the evening after she had gone to the supermarket to do some shopping I panicked and started calling her, especially when I was alone at home

And sometimes I feared to see her fall in the kitchen, out of the blue, because of a heart attack

And I started imagining my life without her, without my mother

How sad and incomplete and dreary it would be

I don’t know from where this fear stemmed

Was it because she was so sweet, so young, so sensitive

And had built for me a world of fantasy where to grow up?

Was it because in a past life I had grown motherless?

Was it because the parents of my twin soul had divorced, which is a form of death as things are never the same again, and I felt part of her sadness and her stress?

I can’t tell, all what I know is that it is a fear that has left a deep imprint in me

The fear of losing someone dear, but especially my mother as I thought her more vulnerable perhaps

I imagined their death, not seeing them ever again, not kissing them again, their disappearance in the darkness of oblivion, and it tormented me, oh how this idea tormented me

Even if I had been raised in the Christian faith, even if I went to church and more or less believed in God, I had trouble imagining afterlife because I could not picture it

Infinity scared me, I imagined endless times of boredom, and I imagined our loss of self and of identity

And for me, this meant life was meaningless

 

It is only recently that my views of the world has evolved sufficiently, and for the first time I can picture death not as a dreary thing

But as a return to the immortal, unique soul we are, as a return to our soul family, to God

Not as a lifeless, meaningless thing, but as a co-creator of worlds

And I picture life not as an unfair and worrisome and meaningless experience

But instead as a journey of many journeys of growth into our true self

The dead have never truly departed from this world

They are here, around us, in our heart, and we will meet them again once we die

And they are busy with their own life, because society on Earth is in my belief a metaphor of society in the spiritual world

Except that Earth is much more imperfect, much harsher

And that’s why we choose to come here and to learn so much from our troubles

 

Have hope dear friends who have lost someone dear to your heart

This person is still alive, you can sense her in your heart

And you will meet again physically in less time than you believe

Because once you’re dead it’s as though you took off your mask and costume and stepped out of the stage where you were playing a role

And you will be under the impression it had been only moments since you had first chosen to wear that disguise

 

And if things in your life go wrong, trust to life, trust to God

Because you are learning invaluable lessons in hardship

Because you will get plenty of other opportunities, as many other lives as you wish, to live in the brightness and the lightness you are now missing

Trust to life, and your heart will be lighter already, and your feet will move effortlessly, joyously along the meandering path you’ve chosen

“Le peintre qui pleure” is a watercolor painting by Chantal Peguiron

About Erik Vincenti Zakhia

Dear all, I will share with you many of my poems, short stories, drawings and paintings telling of my journey of self-discovery and my reflections about life, love, art, spirituality, sexuality, kundalini rise, and twin flames. They all fall within the realm of Hazen. May you have an inspiring visit!

6 comments

  1. Hi Erik,
    Thank you so much for writing this. Your fear was so natural. Even I used to got scared when she fell ill, even if it was a routine minor illness. It used to make me nervous. And whenever, something like this used to happen with friends or relatives, I used to panic and hold my mother saying , “I can never be strong enough to face such situations, to accept this truth”. But, I faced it, and I am still living. Sometimes, I get a feeling that strength to face this was given by my mother only.
    Your concluding lines show, that you have developed yourself and your soul. And , because of what you have been and what you feel now, I am hopeful that someday I will also learn to live with this truth, someday my soul will also develop enough to accept this reality.
    “we will meet them again once we die” – This is so soothing. I hope to meet my mother again. Also, I feel that when I meet her she should not have any complaints from me and for that reason, I have to live a life that she wanted me to live. But, then again and again, I burst into tears as she is not in front of me, kissing me.
    It was really great of you to write this.
    Thanks.
    Akanksha.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Akanksha,
      Thank you for sharing your experience with me as well. You know, it helps me to write about the past, because in a way acceptance and healing come together with writing.
      From what I’ve read on your blog, and what you’ve written me, I’m sure you are on your way toward healing yourself and accepting your mother premature departure, and growing into your better self. I’m sure she well be very proud of you and embrace you the next time you’re going to see her. By dying, in a way, she has done you a favor, it was an act of love toward you. Because she’s given you the opportunity to grow a lot and to strengthen your face in God, in the universe, in life, in yourself. Even if it is very painful, it is very positive too. Sometimes love is so deep it hurts. That’s what I’ve been learning along my path.
      Best regards to you, and I’m glad to have met too someone as thoughtful and sensitive as you are.
      Erik

      Liked by 1 person

      • “I’m sure she well be very proud of you and embrace you the next time you’re going to see her”- such words are so soothing. It provides so much of relief when I feel this is just a temporary separation, that we will meet again, that we will be together again. I am so grateful to you, for sending me these pleasing words.
        Yes, writing may help me healing and it is also helping me connect with people like you who try to lift me up and show the path ahead. I feel, my mother is arranging this set up for me, she is sending me signals that we will meet again. Its a blessing to meet you and see you stand by me, support me in this tough time.
        Many thanks & respect to you,
        Akanksha.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Anonymous

    Your words are very touching and beautifully written, they made me cry. Interesting to know how many people relate to that same fear, makes you realize how important it is to cherish every moment with your loved ones especially your mother.
    Keep it up Erik 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Thank you for sharing this. I too had the same fears of losing my mother as a child. Now that I’m a widow, I fear for my children losing their only parent (me). God has been carrying my little family for years now. I really liked reading this.

    Liked by 1 person

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