Meeting my twin flame – No!

Three weeks elapsed without getting any news from her, and I continued to write her in the meanwhile even though I was less and less inspired

I felt that my creative energy was being drained away, and I woke up in the mornings without much enthusiasm

Until a Thursday morning which was a holy day, I was home and taking my time for once

And I suddenly had the craving to reopen Facebook when I had been away from social networks for five months

I gave in to my instinct, and perfunctorily checked her profile, and suddenly I felt under shock

It was written she was in a relationship, but how could that be?

And the person she was with was one of the vultures, one of the heavy boys which had come court her and she had avoided

How could that be? My mind screamed and my heart bled

I now understood the reasons of her silence for the last three weeks, she was afraid of telling me, ashamed

I went for a run under the bright morning sun to try to calm my anger and sort it out

I was angry with her, not because I wanted to be with her right now, I was more than okay to wait the necessary time for her to find herself

But being with another boy, one who did not understand her, was for me at the time an absurdity

I ran and ran and suddenly a new understanding dawned on me, okay, she was with him, probably for the physical aspect only as in my opinion she couldn’t even fool herself by thinking she loved him

And in a way I was doing the same thing, surrendering to the emptiness within me and masturbated every time I found nothing better to do, sometimes doing it twice a day after work

And then I was surprised that my creative energy was being drained away

It now made sense, I was misbehaving and she, as my perfect mirror, misbehaved too

I had not told her about my excessive masturbation, and she had not told me about her starting relationship

I was still feeling anger, but more as a drive for change, for myself, for her

I wrote her about it, and the next day I wrote her again

Surprisingly I was way more inspired since I had discovered her relationship status on Facebook, which I immediately deactivated afterwards

I wrote her a third time on Saturday, sharing with her my new understandings

Afterwards I went for a run in the forest and I felt incredibly well, I suddenly felt as though she was crying, as though she was reliving her past buried emotions of the divorce of her parents

This foreboding of mine was different than the other ones I had, it was more like a vision, or a spirit whispering this in my ear, less of a strong resonance in my heart

For a while the good feeling remained and my eyes blurred with tears

The next day, Sunday, was my birthday and I decided to take the boat across the Leman Lake and go to Evian on my own, to think and get inspired

But as the day passed, the fair springy weather started graying and soon the sky was filled with clouds, and strong warm winds arose

I came back at night drained, the day had not been as inspiring as I had hoped

And the next day I went to work with a bad feeling, and I came back home with an even worse feeling

I had told her she needed to learn saying No, no to herself, no to people and society

And suddenly I knew what was going to happen, she was going to start by saying no to me

I arrived home and opened my mail, heart fast beating, there was nothing

Five minutes later I checked it again, and there was a mail from her, called No

And she described to me in great length her relationship with the vulture, how after one too many beers she had accepted to kiss him when he had proposed

And then it had become a pattern each time after the fencing practice

Until they had slept together, and “you won’t like it” she wrote, “but the sex was actually good”

She had taken it as a stray experience, but for the boy it was the start of a relationship, and she didn’t dare to say no at first

And then it was too late, she was trapped

She had done four fatal mistakes that had ended up in this mess, and she didn’t know how to get out from it

Because she felt the fragility of the boy under his self-confident and manipulative mask, she didn’t want to hurt him too badly, she didn’t know how to confront him

And so she told me she’d take things at her own pace, slowly, contemplatively, until she found a way out

She told me she was glad to write me about it, because she hadn’t told any of her friends about all her inner struggles

And she ended up her long letter by saying that I didn’t have the right to be jealous, and that she had been cleared in the dismissal of my confession

This mail was too much for me to bear at the time, and instead of thinking I just let my hurt feelings shout

I told her it was too painful for me

With her behavior she had brought to light my shadows, jealousy, fear

I didn’t love her yet of an unconditional love that didn’t ask anything in return

I didn’t want her as long as she was by herself, but I couldn’t accept her to be with someone else, especially someone she had called a vulture

Afterwards I went running, and my anger transformed into sadness

And I wanted to cry, but could not

I went down on my knees in the brambles and brought my head closer to the mud, I wanted to cry, to disappear there, but I could not

I had not even the consolation of crying over my fate, my despair

I came back home and she had replied me shortly saying that perhaps it was better to interrupt this correspondence for a while

And she advised me to see my friends who did not drain me, and she said she was sure I’d soon find someone else who would inspire me

As I had expressed to her how important she was to me, not only because I loved her, but because she triggered my understandings and my poetry, or I believed that at the time

And she concluded by saying that she trusted me to get up with my own strength

After two difficult days, that’s what happened

I woke up at dawn and wrote her a short message telling her I pardoned her entirely, and reminding her of the occurrence that had happened exactly one year before, when she had written me she didn’t want to write with me anymore the novel we had started writing together

One part of me knew all her behavior was caused by fear, by fear of the intensity of our connection

Everything was good to flee from this intensity, even being with a vulture

Another part of me still didn’t know that each experience in life makes us grow, and that what she did was necessary for her and for me

For the first time since my teenhood I was strong enough to decide not to masturbate, not to open social media, to stop living in my shadows and instead focus all my free time and my energy toward being creative

And I immediately felt a difference, I went much more into nature, and I could run almost effortlessly

I was motivated to better myself because I had finally understood that she was my mirror, if I dwelled into my weaknesses, she would do the same

To help her I needed to help myself

That was one of the important lessons she taught me by behaving as unexplainably as she did

And I was convinced that someday somehow she’d come back to me

–

You can read the next chapter of this story here meeting my soul sister

To read the beginning of this story, start with chapter 1 – the Dream or the previous chapter Maëlstroms and Allnighters

“Colère” is a drawing by Chantal Peguiron