Meeting my twin soul – rekindled flame

Attante

I had declared her my love in my story with the little faerie

And she had called me wording wizard, which was the best compliment that could ever come from her, the best compliment she could make me

But she did not say she loved me too, and everything indicated she did not

And a drenching sadness rolled over me

Telling her that I’d try to forget her was a lie, it was something I could not do

No, I could not

The only thing that could alleviate my pain was writing

And I restarted writing our story, l’histoire Lausannoise, alone

I changed the story line, and focused on delving into Enzo’s past

His trauma after his mother’s death, his existential questioning

Of course, I drew inspiration from my own questioning when I was a child

And I built up Enzo’s internal town, the city of his mind as he imagined it, as he painted it

A couple of fruitful months elapsed, but then inspiration started to dry up

I was momentarily living in Paris and having trouble to find my own quiet space to write

And by delving into Enzo’s existential questionings, my own unanswered questions resurfaced

I had decided a long time before to believe in God, in the goodness of life

But that did not suffice me anymore

I desperately wanted to find out if all my love for her had a root in any form of spirituality

I wanted to find a meaning to what I was undergoing

I knew already, instinctively, since my childhood that the love story of my life wouldn’t be an easy one

It wasn’t by chance that my favorite cartoon was the beauty and the beast, that many stories I wrote spoke of desperate unrequited love

But had I a reason to hope with her?

Or my love was only an infatuation, a trick of my mind, of my desire to be in love?

Was I falling prey again of my tendency to idealize from afar a girl and loving her as it sometimes occurred to me when I was younger, only to discover later that she was not the person I had thought she was

But no, this time it was different

I had known her, spoken with her as I had never spoken with anyone else

There was an unequalled intensity in our meetings

It was as though I was entirely alive with her, entirely awakened

I could remember everything she had said afterward, I knew exactly which questions to ask her

And I had seen her true face, this face that continued to haunt my imagination with its beauty and purity

I had felt drawn to her face, to her eyes, like a butterfly to the light, like a sunflower to the sun, like a thrown pebble by the bottom of the ocean

Irresistibly drawn to her, and my heart, oh my heart, how it felt when I saw her true face

Even one year later, ten months after seeing her for the last time, it still warmed and shook my heart to visualize her true face

But I had not felt physically attracted to her

I had not felt truly attracted to any girl, as a matter of fact

Except through the window of my fetish, the slight weight gain of five kilograms or so, the skinny girl that becomes slightly curved

It was more a fantasy than something in the real life

Something I explored when I was alone and depressed

When I was inspired to write it never came to my mind

It happened when I was bored and depressed by the sheer load of studies at university

It happened when my writing inspiration was drying up because I had too many existential doubts

I questioned the usefulness of what I was doing

What use to the world could my writings bring, I wondered desperately

When every minute a person is dying from hunger, from war

I’m here in the western world living in relative comfort, when people are suffering everywhere

When the environment is being destroyed every day

I’m here sitting at my desk and writing words that won’t even reach to these people

Words are hazy and insubstantial, I kept telling myself

Your writings are useless

You are useless

That was my state of mind for many weeks

While I explored various kinds of spirituality, to try to find out the answers I sought

I had a sea of free time, as I had finished my studies and was looking not very actively for a job

I wanted to do something to help others, to help the planet

But what?

Everything seemed to be governed by the rational thought that thwarted my idealism

I wanted to dream in big, to truly change things, to build an ideal city, an ideal nation

But how could I do that?

I had studied engineering to change things, but as I was finishing my studies I realized that at best I’d make a tiny local change

And that wasn’t enough for me, it wasn’t enough to kindle my inner flame

Especially that I did not love what I had studied

What I loved instead were words

But I was stuck in my half-finished novel with the fear that it was completely useless to continue writing it

I had stepped into an infernal circle of negativity

Negative thoughts fueling other negative thoughts

Then I needed to determine whether God existed or not, because of course my choices would be influenced by the answer to this question

But none of the texts and spiritualities I read convinced me to the core

Every time I’d find a flaw, and a flaw in a theorem makes this theorem fail

The only times I did not think of all that was when I explored my fetish

And for the first time in my life, I masturbated and reached an orgasm

I had already in wet dreams, but it was the first time I did it consciously

Of course, I liked very much the sensation and became sort of addicted to it

After all these years I had deprived myself of it

Before, when my father and my uncle had heard I had never masturbated, they worried for me

And I worried too, I worried to be asexual, or impotent

And so in a way it reassured me to be able to do it

And when the darkest period was reached, when I felt entirely hopeless and lost

A small light appeared at the horizon

I took a decision

I needed to work, not to fear the world of work, to earn some money, to find myself an occupation

I needed to work, and I accepted that the ideal job for me did not exist

And so I started looking concretely for a job

Fate smiled to me, and I got a positive reply from the start

Meanwhile, I had ordered a book, Anam Cara: a book of celtic wisdom, and I read another one about the limits of science in every field, quantum physics, astrophysics, biology of evolution, neuroscience of the mind

And I started building up a new vision of the world that was inspired by these readings, but also came from intuitions I had

I started viewing the world as a game, a video game, where slowly, era after era, we progressed in knowledge, we discovered new things, and pushed our boundaries away

But a time would arrive when these boundaries won’t be pushed further, and that era has perhaps arrived, at least in the science as we know it, the science in opposition to spirituality

With the big bang and quantum physics and dark holes, science has pushed its limits until a hazy membrane where very little light filtrates

The mysteries of the universe hide beneath this membrane

This membrane is here to prevent us of fully knowing the rules of the game, of understanding all the rules of the universe

It is here to prevent us of finding a unique meaning in life

Instead diversity of thought is encouraged, as there’s nothing that can be proved

Moreover, despite all the chaos and apparent unfairness around us

Life has a beauty in itself, and it is extremely creative

If everything was born from chaos, I’d find it strange that our universe would be so wealthy in possibilities, so rich that we never get bored

There are more plants and animals that we could ever know by heart

Pinching strings produces sound and beautiful music thanks to the wave properties of the air

Why would music exist if there weren’t any meaning behind the universe, if everything were born from chaos? Why would dawn and sunsets color up the sky every day? Why was nature so generous in beauty?

That convinced me there was an intelligent and sensitive design beyond the universe

And I pushed my reasoning farther

Even the bad things that happened in our world, for instance fossil fuel exploitation that lead to global warming had been allowed to happen by all the coal, the oil and the gas that had formed underneath the soil

This intelligent design beyond the universe had surely envisioned that by placing fossil fuels on earth, someday, somehow, they’d be exploited and global temperatures would rise

And despite that foreknowledge fossil fuels were all around to be found

Therefore, global warming was not necessarily something truly evil

Perhaps it was here to teach us a lesson, to show human beings that it was useless to live out of their fears to lack, useless to research the comfort at all cost, because all this will bring discomfort and war and destruction not to one person but to the whole humanity

I decided we were in a game that was trying to help us learn lessons, develop our potential

Not a cynical game, yet the game is harsh with us, without appeal

Since we live in a world dominated by matter, a world where we have to sustain ourselves to survive

And not a world of spirits who can conjure up a city and a feast in a single thought

All these discoveries pacified me

Gave me an inner force I lacked before

I understood that turmoil in our lives was here for a reason, to help us reach new understandings

That it was necessary to accept and undergo these periods of intense doubting and mild depression

To later ascend higher peaks and view the world from perspectives we had never dreamt of contemplating

The book I mentioned, Anam Cara, helped me too, as this harmonious mixture of Celtic and Christian wisdom coincided with what I wanted to believe all my life but didn’t dare to

That the world was based on love, that we were one with nature, that nature offered us a visible metaphor of the internal landscapes of our soul

And the author mentioned the concept of Anam Cara, the soul friend, this person you meet in your life and who understands you entirely and loves you for who you truly are

And this image rekindled my hope with the faerie girl

I had felt something so strong for her it made no sense of doubting my intuition and my feelings

And for a while I felt entirely pacified with myself

I had started to accept my sexuality

I had confronted all my existential doubts and found new answers

And I was on the process of finding a job

I was finally getting out from the dark tunnel where I had walked for a couple of months

I was seeing the promise of fair dawns over the distant mountains to which I was headed

And one day I started writing her again, but as I was in the middle of my poem I threw it away

I had already decided not to write her at least for one year, to give me the time to finish my novel, but also out of pride

After all I had declared her the tenderness of my feelings for her, and she had not encouraged me to persevere, and it made no sense at all to write her

And so I stuck to my decision for few days

Until one night of January when I had a tremendous headache and went for a run in the streets of Paris

And I enjoyed immensely this midnight run in the hazy streets that disappeared in the distance, and with the music I was listening to

And suddenly a poem started sprouting in my mind

It was called the glacier’s power

And it told the story of this glacier, these eternal snows we each have in the depth of our heart, that are sometimes, often, covered by layers and layers of impurities, mud, cement, asphalt, cities, cars and whatever else

And so I wrote her without a second thought and I did not ask her anything

I just shared my new found wisdom with her

I shared with her some of my love

I did not ask her how she was doing, I didn’t tell her about me

I just wrote about this glacier

And the next day she wrote me, and she was more truthful than she used to be

She said that I had been right all along, that architecture, nor engineer, nor anything else was her calling

The only thing she could do, and well, was spinning words

The intensity of my gaze had intimated her greatly because my eyes seemed to pierce her naked to examine and judge and rewrite her truths in black print

But now, right now, she was feeling low and mildly disinterested in life, and that my message alone had been sufficient to raise her mood and spirit

And she concluded her mail saying she didn’t deserve my continual friendship and support, and that she would try to start giving back

 

You can continue your reading with chapter 8 – a dawning understanding. If you have not read the first chapters of this story, you can start with chapter 1 – the dream

 

“Deux visions pour une” is a drawing of Chantal Peguiron

About Erik Vincenti Zakhia

Dear all, I will share with you many of my poems, short stories, drawings and paintings telling of my journey of self-discovery and my reflections about life, love, art, spirituality, sexuality, kundalini rise, and twin flames. You will also come across many paintings by Chantal Peguiron that are intimately related to my artwork. They all fall within the realm of Hazen. If you like it, don’t hesitate to subscribe and follow me on social media! May you have an inspiring visit!

7 comments

  1. Pingback: Meeting my twin soul – separation | Erik Vincenti Zakhia

  2. I am touched! Beautifully written.
    I am also amazed by some of the parallels with my twin soul story!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Meeting my twin soul – a dawning understanding | Erik Vincenti Zakhia

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