Shadow – the fetish

tours jumelles chantal peguiron drawing

What’s missing in my story is the shadow

The shadow of my words and my feelings

The shadow of my teen years

These things about myself that I didn’t accept, that I didn’t want to show to the world, because I was too ashamed and afraid

Since my early teens, I’ve been attracted to slight weight gain in women

That was the window through which I lived my sexuality

I fantasized about girls I knew, or a girl of my imagination, eating more than she should and putting on a bit of weight

I imagined how she would feel when she had eaten too much, when for a long time she remained skinny despite overeating

How after a couple of months she’d start gaining a few pounds and her clothes would become slightly tighter

Then with time she’d take more weight and her clothes would become even tighter, three, five, seven kilograms

And then I’d fall asleep and my fantasy would stop

And it would start anew the next morning, or the next night before falling asleep, with the same skinny girl or another one

It helped me not to think, to forget for an instant all my anguishes, and it awakened my body like nothing else could

I imagined the girl body pressed against mine, her forms pushing into me

Or I imagined being within her body, witnessing her change, her widening shapes, her snug sensation at her lower belly

Later, I started reading stories on the net of girls who had inadvertently put on a bit of weight

Some complained about it, others liked it, others even planned to take on some weight

And I always carefully canceled the history of my research

What if my father or uncle found out about it? I would die of shame, of guilt

Normal sexuality never presented any interest for me

I never watched porn

In a way, it had become too widely accepted and crude, it was not something progressive or transgressive as it was perhaps for my parents

I was uncomfortable with the idea of naked bodies

And the few times I had tried to look out for such content over the net to reassure myself I was not abnormal, I had been disgusted

For those reasons, I never learnt to reach an orgasm on my own

All my pleasure consisted in my intellectual fantasies of slight weight gains

And they could go on for hours and hours sometimes, when I was bored during long winter afternoons with no good book in which I was engrossed

And when I had periods in which these thoughts wouldn’t leave me alone, I worried if I were normal, if I could ever live in a healthy relationship

Deep down I knew I could, but I failed at reconciling what I saw as two distinct parts of myself

Me, the sensitive boy enamored of words and nature and true love versus me who could only think of fattening girls for my own pleasure

I knew that the second part of me was more a fantasy than a reality, something that was not as strong as my passion and ideals

And yet it was ever present, and even when I managed to block it for few months it came back whenever I was sad or tired or slightly depressed by my studies

I soon learnt to use it, or drown on it, whenever I had too many exams, too much to study

For a while, I could forget about everything while living my fantasy

At that time, I discovered there actually were videos on the net of women and girls who had this same fantasy of mine and put on weight intentionally

And I started watching them, and found out that there was a thing called fetish, and that many people had fetishes of one sort or another, some much worse than mine that was only weird

And it reassured me slightly, even though it still was a weight on my heart, on my mind

 

Each thing on earth has a shadow

A shadow is not something real and tangible

It is here without being here

Its shape is ever shifting according to sun’s course

And whatever are the properties and qualities of this object

Its shadow is always graying, sometimes darkening

We too have a shadow

The shadow of our smiles and our dreams

The shadow of our hearts

An ill-defined shadow, and yet shadow it is

We cannot get rid of this shadow as long as we live on earth

But we can understand what hides in it

We can learn not to fear it

Clearly distinguishing the true object, the unchanging soul, from its deceptive, ever-changing shadow

At the end, shadow only is a bit of smoke that sticks to surfaces

Blow it away and let it not worry you

 

You can continue your reading with chapter 3 – first encounter. If you haven’t read the beginning of this story, go to chapter 1 – the dream

 

“Twin towers” is a shadowless drawing by Chantal Peguiron, but the ground seems to hide murky waters

About Erik Vincenti Zakhia

Dear all, I will share with you many of my poems, short stories, drawings and paintings telling of my journey of self-discovery and my reflections about life, love, art, spirituality, sexuality, kundalini rise, and twin flames. You will also come across many paintings by Chantal Peguiron that are intimately related to my artwork. They all fall within the realm of Hazen. If you like it, don’t hesitate to subscribe and follow me on social media! May you have an inspiring visit!

8 comments

  1. Pingback: Meeting my twin soul – the dream | Erik Vincenti Zakhia

  2. Again, Erik, your art is very beautiful – and this one has such a spiritual quality. The use of colour is amazing!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Bonjour ou bonsoir mon AMI (ie)

    Ce jour à n’importe quelle heure de la journée
    J’ai besoin de t’ écrire un petit mot
    Comme quoi je ne ‘oublie pas
    Et j’ai un peu de temps à t’accorder
    Juste une minute pour te dire
    Que je t’envoie un beau sourire
    Et je t’accorde deux minutes pour te donner
    Sur tes joues, deux Gros Bisous d’amitié
    Et surtout quelques secondes pour
    Te souhaiter une excellente journée ou soirée

    Avec du soleil au cœur

    Bernard

    Liked by 2 people

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